Santa has to be a woman!

I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he is a she.

Think about it. Christmas is a big organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing social event, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull that off!

For starters, the vast majority of men don’t even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. It is like they are all frozen in some kind of Ebenizerian time warp until 3 p.m. on December 24th, when they – with amazing calm – call other errant men and plan for a last minute shopping spree.

Once in the stores, men always seem to be amazed to find only vacuum cleaners, lava lamps and socket wrench sets left on the shelves.  (You might think this would send them into a fit of panic and guilt, but my husband tells me it is an enormous relief because it lessens the 11th hour decision-making burden.) Everybody needs socket wrenches, right?

Jack’s Dad had the perfect solution. He’d go to the bank and get $2 bills for the grandkids and to the auto repair shop to get gift certificates for us!

On this count alone, I am convinced Santa is a woman. Surely if she were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the tree – still in the bag, of course.

Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there.

First of all, there would be no reindeer because they would all be shot, dressed out and strapped on the rear bumper of the sleigh amid wide-eyed desperate claims that buck season had been extended. Right Terry?

Before the venison roast hit the oven, Blitzen’s rack would already be on the way to the taxidermist.

Even if the male Santa DID have reindeer, he would still have transportation problems because he would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions.

Add to this the fact that there would unavoidable delays in the chimney where the Bob Vila – like Santa would have to stop to inspect and repoint bricks in the flue.

He would also need to check for carbon monoxide fumes in every gas fireplace and get under every Christmas tree that is crooked to straighten it to a perfectly upright position and maybe add a string of lights..or two, right Al?

Other reasons why Santa can’t possibly be a man:

Men can’t pack a bag.

Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet or a fur coat.

Men would feel their masculinity threatened, having to be seen with all of those elves.

Men don’t answer their mail.

Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described even in jest as anything remotely resembling a “bowlful of jelly.”

Men would never allow themselves to be described as “that jolly old elf.”

Men aren’t interested in stockings unless someone – preferably a female – is wearing them.

Having to do the “Ho, Ho, Ho” thing would seriously inhibit their ability to pick up women.

Finally being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.

I can believe the fact that other mythical holiday characters are men… Father Time shows up once a year, unshaven and looking ominous –definite guy!

Cupid flies around carrying weapons.

Uncle Sam is politician that likes to point fingers.

Any one of these individuals could pass the testosterone-screening test but not St. Nick. Not a chance.

As long as we have each other, good will, peace on earth, faith and Nat King Cole’s version of “The Christmas Song,” it probably makes little difference what gender Santa is.

I just wish she would quit dressing like a guy!