I hope you’re as excited as I am about Blondie Girl Productions bringing show biz to Clare. That’s the production company that’s got the City convinced that people will watch a reality show about Cops and Donuts. They plan to run it on the Food Network for “13 episodes per year for up to 5 years.” Except for the show where the guy eats worms and the other show where another guy eats ten pound hamburgers there just isn’t much in the way of drama on the Food Channel. Don’t be looking for Masterpiece Theater with frosting.
I hope everything works out as planned. Making a reality show about small town cops and their bakery that people will watch is going to be a trick. Even on the Food Network. Since we’ve only gone as far as talking about it there’s still a ways to go before we start seeing our Boys in Blue on the red carpet out in Hollywood.
Naturally, when I saw that Blondie Girl was involved I Googled it to see just who they are. It seems that Blondie Girl Productions is the production company of a 26 year old Disney star named Ashley Tisdale. After skipping over Ashley Tisdale “hot,” “nose job,” “scandal,” and “bikini,” I found out that Ashley is a “multitalented artist with unique insight into young demographics.” Who could possibly be more suited to making a reality show about Clare? “Young demographics?” Wait til those Disney kids see the madcap adventures of Clare’s Finest as they fight crime on McEwen Street! We may be talking Grammys here.
Reality shows are hot TV items right now. There are three swamp shows, lumberjacks, rattlesnake catchers, gold miners, gold dredgers, crab boats, and shrimpers. Part of the charm of these shows is that their stars all seem to lack teeth, have minor criminal records, and use language that causes the sound track to be punctuated with hundreds of “bleeps.” You wonder whether Clare Policemen will be able to master these acting challenges.
My favorite reality show guy is Shelby Stanga. He’s the Louisiana Cajun who drags logs out of rivers and sells them. Last week Shelby grabbed a venomous Cottonmouth and bit its head off.
What a show stopper! Just what do we have to top that? Officer Al White biting the head off a chocolate long john? I think not. No, they’re going to have to squeeze some more drama out of pastries and patrolling the dangerous streets of Clare if they’re going to make a TV show. But that’s what the multitalented Ashley Tisdale is for. With her insight into “young demographics” I’m sure she’ll come up with something that will have Foodies talking about us.
Now reality shows have some necessary characteristics. There have to be angry confrontations with someone stalking off the job [Ax Men and Gold Fever], danger [Ax Men with falling logs, crab boys being hit with waves] and the danger of financial ruin if something isn’t done quickly. Each week the gold miners machines break down and they fret that if they don’t get mining they’ll go broke. The Ax Men are constantly repairing their Yarder and Skylines. The crab guys are wet, cold, and get empty crab pots. The alligator catchers shout and grunt frantically in some strange Louisiana swamp dialect. You have to turn humdrum unskilled labor into drama or it’s just….unskilled labor. How can we get that kind of drama into a bakery? “Look out! The coffee pots tipping over!” “ If we don’t sell at least 5 dozen of these bismarks, we’ll be out of business!” “I won’t work in a **** place that can’t make ***salt rising bread!” I don’t know. Maybe Ashley can find some drama there that’s escaping me, but it’s tough for a bakery and crime stopping in a town of 3900 people to compete with snake biters and Alaska gold mines.
So Clare now plunges into the fast paced, glittery world of Hollywood and Showbiz. Who would ever have guessed it would be our Police Department and bakery that would have launched this rocket to the stars. I wish them all the best of luck and, like you, I can’t wait til the first show. If this flies, can The Real Housewives of Clare County be far behind?