Mike’s Musings- Coffee scorches my butt

March 29, 2013

Michael Wilcox, Publisher/Editor

I knew it was not going to be the greatest day, when while driving to work, I scorched my butt. Yup you heard it right. Driving down 127, I have the steering wheel firmly gripped in my left hand, and with my right I go to reach for my coffee which was in the beverage holder right next to me.

Bam, I didn’t get a good grip and the scorching hot coffee spills out of the cup down into my seat. Essentially there was nothing I could do. My speed was 80 (yes officer I drive a little too fast) and I’m locked down with my seatbelt (damn it is suppose to be a safety feature) unable to move.

Finally I’m able to flip the safety belt lever up and escape the hot hot coffee that has almost started a fire under my butt. Now I’m driving- I have slowed down to 70, essentially standing with my butt in the air. What the heck do I do? I can travel the entire way like this, but man this position is tiring and a bit unsafe? Or I can sit back down in the now lukewarm puddle of coffee. I choose the latter, after all my butt is already redder than a bottle of Heinz ketchup.

Jeez, most people call this day, Wednesday. Today for me, it is rump day, as in hot, scolding, burning rump. I gotta stop my coffee addiction. It’s going to kill me!

But, you know, I’ve been saying that for years. Like the woman who proverbially talks about going on a diet but never does, I’m the guy that constantly talks about quitting coffee, but continues to drink a pot a day.

And that’s not easy for this guy. I’ve got a condition called Essential Tremor, which makes my hands- especially my dominant left hand, shake uncontrollably. At times holding a coffee cup is impossible, and trying to get that cup to your mouth- well let’s just say part of the time more coffee ends up in my lap than in my mouth.

As I get older, the condition has worsened. In the last couple of years my head noticeably shakes. Now drinking a cup of coffee is even more challenging. First I’ve got to get the coffee mouth level, which means I can’t have my hand start moving uncontrollably. Then I’ve got to have my head stationary or the coffee might end up in my cheek.

So I’ve resorted to drinking coffee out of covered mugs whenever possible. That seems to work well until the lid falls off. Some of these fast food places aren’t adept at securely fastening lids. On several occasions the lid and coffee has found a home in my lap.

With my condition, and natural hyperness (oops I don’t think that’s a word, but I’m sure you get my drift) it makes no sense for me to drink coffee. Coffee is a stimulant. I’m the last guy that needs to be stimulated. Coffee worsens my condition, and what might be a minor shaking episode in the morning ends up being an all out dance by mid-afternoon.

So, what do I do? Why do I continue to drink copious amounts of coffee when I don’t even like the taste? Is there a doctor in the house that can tell me? Or will I end up like my dad- God, rest his soul, from who I inherited Essential Tremor, that drank a pot of coffee, as well as other things, well into his 80’s. It didn’t seem to bother him, and except for the embarrassment it causes me, I’m fine.

But I digress. It’s time to stop worrying about my coffee addiction and tend to my rear end. I think I see smoke billowing from my pants. I’m on fire again. Excuse me while I run to the bathroom.

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