Cops & Doughnuts Land – Coming soon

Although I realize that Mr. Allen’s article on Cops & Doughnuts was mostly “Tongue & Cheek”, it is very true that for a reality show to be successful there must be a certain amount of drama. I’d like to think I am an expert on the consumption of these types of shows and can give valuable story-line suggestions.

1)      This is the most obvious and will surely create the most drama. Sentence criminals, that have been arrested for various crimes, to “Community Service” at the Doughnut shop. Cameras could be setup throughout the shop that people can log onto 24X7 (for a subscription fee) and watch the excitement unfold. Move over “Big Brother”. Nothing more needs to be said as I’m sure your mind is already racing with the multitude of scenarios this idea would spawn.

2)      Offer a Doughnut Delivery Service. At first I was thinking about phony police cars for this but to save money why not use the real ones? What could be cooler than a police car with all of its lights flashing and siren on pulling up in front of your house or business and having an officer with a bullet proof vest running in a bag of donuts? Where do I order!!

3)      Once a month offer a Doughnut Soup line for the homeless in our area. It could be staffed by the “Community Service” criminals so as to try and “scare them straight”. If there’s not enough homeless (depends on the time of year) to carry an episode, the unemployed in our area could be targeted. This will fulfill both the drama and the compassion aspects that will keep people watching week after week.

4)      Every reality show needs a spontaneous, loveable redneck that loves to grab things bare handed or bite the head off something poisonous. (Personally, I’m torn between Turtleman and Billy the Exterminator). My suggestion would be to pick someone with little or no hair and unusually large. Give him a stage name like Barney. Barney would be the one we love to watch and can’t wait to see what he’s going to do next! Is he going to open the oven and pluck out a doughnut barehanded? Is he going to eat that doughnut that fell on the floor? Tune in next week, same doughnut-time, same doughnut-channel!

5)      Now we come to the angry or short-fused character. Every successful reality show has one. Bering Sea Gold has Scott, Ax Men has Jimmy and South Beach Tow has Eddie. We all love to hate them. I’m thinking someone that has no second thoughts about tasering a whiny customer or strip searching suspicious customers loitering in the store. Obviously this will also be the person who handles all customer complaints. He should be handsome, fit, bipolar and an expert marksman.

Those are some of my suggestions and I’m excited about this becoming a reality for Clare. I am told by a secret source close to the Cops & Doughnuts hierarchy that there are many cool things in the works such as:

Production crews will be riding along with our city’s finest to capture citizens breaking the law. Every citizen has an opportunity to become famous and have their 15 minutes of fame! If you see a city police car and there’s a guy with a camera in it, gun it a little and spin those tires!

Speeding and parking tickets will no longer be such a bummer. With your first infraction you’ll get a “Violators Points Card”. It has a bar code on it just like the Witbecks Grocery card or the Rite-Aid Wellness card. Make sure you have the officer scan it every time you get a ticket. Points are redeemable at the Cops & Doughnuts gift store. Double points are given if you’re enrolled in the frequent violator program. Ask the judge if you qualify next time you’re in front of him.

The “Cops & Doughnuts” statue is almost done. It’s over 15’ high and of course it will spin, play music AND has an animatronics arm that is controlled by a motion sensor. When you pass by it the arm will “quick draw” its pistol out of the holster and it will say “FREEZE SUCKA, Come in and buy a Doughnut”. Coincidentally, the new ordinance banning all statues that contain the name “Bob” goes into effect next month. Sorry Bob’s Chicken and Bob’s Big Boy. Move over for progress!

I’m sure everyone has seen all the work going on up at the old Wal-mart site north of town. Sources at the city planner’s office have verified it will be the new location for “Cops & Doughnuts Land”, complete with a theme park and 18-story hotel. The application to make ”Cops & Doughnuts Land” a separate nation has not been approved yet so the Doughnut Hole Casino is on hold. Ground breaking for the park and hotel is expected to be on April 1, 2012 with special guest appearances by Sheriff Joe Arpaio from the Maricopa County Sheriff’s Office and Larry the Cable Guy. Both are huge, huge fans of doughnuts! Some of the activities planned are the Taser Arcade, Grand Theft Auto Go-Karts, Jail Break Maze and the Meth Lab Haunted House. Future plans for the Felon Paintball Park, where you get to dress like a crack addict and compete against real cops trying to arrest you, and the Dog Hunt Swamp have run into legal issues and may have to be put on hold.

Negotiations have been going on for months to bring McGruff the crime dog on-board as a spokesman. WikiLeaks reports the only stumbling block is McGruff’s creator is worried about his characters waistline. To learn more subscribe to the twitter account #DoggyDoughnuts. Obviously the new slogan will be “Help take a bite out of crime –and a doughnut”.

And finally, an observation. After years of wondering, everything starts to make sense. The roundabout isn’t to confuse us. It was built to confuse visitors. Like a lobster pod, once they get into Clare, they can’t get back out. I should have known there was a method to the madness. I’m sure the roundabout was thought up by the same people who gave us the “Fake turning lane” downtown. You know, the parking lane in front of the Ideal Theater that many visitors to Clare have mistakenly thought was a turning lane. I spoke to one person who waited in line for 45 minutes to turn, honking and waiting, when she finally pulled out in the next lane to go around them and rolled down her window to shout obscenities to the empty cars. I might suggest we remove the freeway on-ramp on the North side of town.